Friday, 14 December 2007

How to put up fairy lights

  1. Wander round the house for two hours and say 'Where are the fairy lights?' repeatedly. Reply 'No, not those. The other ones' every time Tiger, Squirrel and Shark point to the fairy lights in the kitchen which are still up from last year.
  2. Crawl about in the eaves for fifteen minutes with a torch. Bump head, several times. Shout to the fairy lights. Say things like 'Where the f*** are you. Come on out. I know you're in here somewhere you little b******s'.
  3. Find the fairy lights in a Tesco plastic bag. Take them out and leave them in a tangled heap at the foot of the stairs. Warn everyone not to trip over them.
  4. Trip over them. Three times.
  5. After fourth time, decide something must be done with the fairy lights and consider hanging them around the front door.
  6. Get a wobbly step ladder. Balance on it, holding a hammer, two nails, and the fairy lights which are inexplicably tied round one ankle.
  7. Decide this is a stupid idea and get masking tape instead.
  8. Decide it is a stupid idea even with masking tape. Consider instead wrapping the fairy lights round the banister all the way along the stairs so that this looks really pretty.
  9. Spend 30 minutes thinking how to do this without causing a trip hazard because the socket is on one side of the hall and the banister on the other. Speculate about the inconvenience of calling an ambulance on Christmas day after tripping over the fairy light wire and falling downstairs. Mentally develop the scenario at A&E with an irritable nurse. Add a doctor, social worker and, possibly, magistrate.
  10. Decide against causing a trip hazard and wonder about putting the fairy lights through the letter box to drape them in the lobby where they can look even prettier.
  11. Open the door to view the flap on the letter box and put fingers in door hinge. Forget fingers are in door hinge and close door. Shout F*** F*** F*** and procure a bag of frozen peas for swollen finger.
  12. Shout at fairy lights and call them rude names. Open a bottle of beer. Decide to put the little b******* back in the eaves and not have any fairy lights at all.
  13. Listen to children hum. Decide being a kill-joy misery-guts without-fairy-lights is not what Christmas is supposed to be.
  14. Drink beer and consider options.
  15. Clear accumulated rubbish from the table on the landing which is next to a socket and wipe surface clean with a toy leopard. Make a big pile out of the fairy lights and say it is very chi-chi and not a pile of tangled wire.
  16. Put baubles amongst tangle of wire and say it looks even better.
  17. Lift up the pile of lights and baubles and put a big wooden bread board underneath so that it nearly does start to look like art.
  18. Guard. After one hour pick out toy leopard, plastic gorilla and one sock. All of these may go in there to nest and are not essential to finished ensemble.
Congratulate self on speed of fairy light putting-up, a record at only five hours and a half.

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