Monday, 24 December 2007

Is it Christmas Eve?

A party! A party! Grit and Dig and all the junior Grits have been invited to a party! Quite frankly, this is amazing. We never get invited anywhere and, if we are, Tiger is sick down the back of someone's leg so we never get invited again.

But this party is The Hat's hosting, and she's more sanguine than most about sick stains. She's also kind hearted, laid back, and forgiving: qualities which are essential when dealing socially with la famille Grit and Dig on a night out.

The first thing la famille Grit and Dig need forgiving for is arriving over an hour late thanks to Shark, Squirrel and Tiger refusing to be peeled off the sofa during Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The second thing we need forgiving for is the cat. Sorry about the cat. I apologise for this wherever we go. Dogs too. It's just a mass hysteria thing. Please forgive us. Just get rid of the cat on the stairs licking its bum. Get rid of it now or we're going to scream and stampede. Yes. Right now. Or else.

The third thing we need forgiving for is the rag tag of presents we come equipped with. For example, Shark offers home-made soap put in a box formerly used for office equipment. The box bears the bar code and label which reads OfficeConnect Power Adapter (UK). This temporarily confuses The Hat who might think we have brought her some form of office electronics. The stink which arises from the box when she opens it tells her otherwise. 'That's Shark's' I say by way of explanation. 'And that's the result of our chemistry lessons this term' I add. And not exactly with pride. Fruit-flavoured rose-scented purple soap with gravel in it. Can't think why it's not been marketed professionally.

Then we need forgiving because we are there, actually at the party in someone else's house. Squirrel, Shark and Tiger are suddenly very shy. Squirrel, Shark and Tiger do their hiding behind each other routine. This takes place in a small front room with a lot of people looking on in bemusement. Today the hiding routine takes the form of Squirrel, Shark and Tiger going round and round in a tight little circle paying special interest in the carpet and pretending not to hear anyone say hello or how are you.

Then of course we need forgiving for mummy Grit's awkward attempt at overcoming this slightly difficult social situation by ushering Squirrel, Shark and Tiger straight into the kitchen where there are grapes. After five minutes we have polished off the grapes and need forgiving about that. Then we start on the bread. And the cheese-topped potato. And the crisps, fruit salad, and lemon tart. Sorry about that everyone. Please forgive us.

Then when the food's cleared, we need to forgive mummy Grit for saying 'Not bloody likely' when the musical instruments come round. Apparently the front room is now full of musicians who are going to play a spot of live music so it's time to join in. This is typical of The Hat. Just when you thought you'd sussed it, out comes the Vietnamese frog and the triangle and, by the way, you're dancing. Do forgive me for clinging to the wall like that.

Finally, I apologise to Moss, who is The Hat's husband and who now lives in Oxford and Kuwait instead of Oxford and Iraq. If you're wondering where your 2003 Chateau Laroque Grand Cru Saint Emillion went that you hid behind the fridge, apologies. It was me.

You see, it's that time of year. Forgiveness is all.

1 comment:

Brad said...

That! is a very funny post. Well done you.